Confessions
(text in English)
“it’s a ‘leap of faith’, not a leap of fear.” — well, it can be both.
but which one will you allow to take charge? (to make a change.)
I titled this text based on an oracle deck that I own.
(“The Wild Muse oracle”; made by Vanessa Somuayina)
Confessions — what am I confessing then?
That I have zero idea what I am actually doing.
Which I guess is a common theme between us all. Some just have a better idea on how to move forward and towards what.
If I had just stayed in Crete, after [re?]gaining my freedom, I would be in a very different situation and head space too.. but would it be better? I think not.
I have allowed my thoughts and anxious heart run free this past summer, finally starting to find footing in this new reality.
“Only now?” one might ask, and yes. only now. would be my answer.
What has changed [since] then?
I finally figured out my need to run, and to prove myself as worthy.
Truth is, I have truly never stopped.
When I started comprehensive school, at 7 [y/o], I was still full of confidence,
but a lot of things have shifted since then.
I was heavily bullied through all of it, and that shifted a lot of things in me.
it has taken me double the time to get back to this reality, where I can finally see myself as more HER than I have been in a long time.
(HER meaning the me that I was, before school and life overall happened..)
Finally remembering that I matter too. And that I should start living for me [too], instead of trying to just pour to everyone else.. without the fear of them not wanting to only be around me, because of what I do for them — instead of who I am. just as I am.
A friend of mine said not too long ago “you want everyone to like you”
The conversation got cut short, but the statement remained in my mind.
Was she right? Yes. But how had I missed it this long? (I like to at least think of myself as someone reasonably intelligent, when it comes to observing my own way of doing things.)
“but doesn’t everyone?” was my genuine reaction. although it’s not realistic. there’s always at least one person who disagrees with everything you do and who you are as a whole. it’s impossible to be liked by everybody. but still.. I feel like I have to be.
and that stems from school. of not being chosen [in anything], and then trying my hardest to just fit in and be liked.. just so I won’t get bullied and picked on.
None of it ofc working.. as why would it ever work.. especially with teenagers, who change tactics every 5 seconds.
school was ROUGH. to say the least.. but that can be said about most of our experiences. there’s been numerous hardships and difficult periods of our lives..
I’m unsure if I know of anyone who has had a peaceful school experience.. some might’ve enjoyed parts of it.. but as a whole? it’s a gigantic NOPE to most.
I’ve said numerous times that I wouldn’t go back there for even a million (€), and that rings true. I enjoyed high school way more, but then I faced new demons.. that made it challenging to go through.
challenging — that’s the word. to describe going to school as a whole.
challenging.. what about it? well, everything about it.
making new friends, trying to remain friends with your old ones. gaining knowledge, while trying to maintain whatever you’ve learned thus far. being on top of trends, when it comes to how you speak/dress and what you do on your free time.
if you’re artsy, are you good enough in that? if you’re sporty, does your physique say that too? do you keep up with skincare, makeup etc. how do you spot your real friends? is that even a thing then? do you speak about your crushes, or do you keep them a secret.. just so no one will be able to sway their/your mind about each other?
how do you survive it all? do you? and how much of it.. still follows you around?
a lot. a lot does. more than most of us even realize.
I still don’t sing out loud, I still don’t feel safe in certain [clothing] colors, I still am careful with my tone of voice or how low/high I speak. I still remember what my “armor” was. I still remember all the insults that were spoken.
… and with so many other things ...
I still am careful in ways that I can’t even begin to explain.
and that’s what school does.
what mean kids/adults/”friends” create in us. & what bullying results to.
us wanting to shrink ourselves and that’s the thing that carries looong into adulthood/our lives.
although none of us Should [have to].
I wish we could just be. be ourselves and remain ourselves, without the burden of school.. shaping us in ways that might take us a lifetime to [begin to] understand..
~ Tinzzz7
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& Thank you for being t/here. // T.